Culture Shock: When You Realize Your Kids are Different

It first happened when we were returning to the U.S. from Guatemala with our then 2-year-old son.  We  arrived in Atlanta and while waiting for our luggage at baggage claim, I took our son to the bathroom.  On the way back, we pass someone drinking from a water fountain.  My son stopped so quickly I almost fell over him.  His mouth opened and his eyes grew wide.  "What is that, Mommy?" he asked pointing to the water fountain.  "You mean the water fountain?" I asked.  "Water fountain," my son sighed as if I had just told him it was the stairway to heaven.  I couldn't believe it.  I hadn't realized it until then that my son had never seen a water fountain, something so commonplace to me that I didn't even notice it.  He stood transfixed.  Then he looked up at me and whispered, "Can I try the water fountain?"  "Of course," I chuckled.  After he drank and slurped water down his shirt, he sprinted across the baggage claim floor shouting, "Popi!  Water fountain!  Water fountain!"  People stared at him as if he was from Mars.  I hadn't read THE book yet, (Third Culture Kids), but I had heard of it.  This must have been what they were talking about.  Things we take for granted, that are part of the background of our existence, are fresh and new in theirs.

It didn't stop with water fountains, next were mailboxes ("What are those boxes on top of those sticks in the ground?"), plastic milk jugs, and marshmallow creme.  A friend told me that ATM machines fascinated her young one, "You mean, money just falls out?"  I remember when we were returning for a year in the States and my son would be attending his first U.S. pubilc school and his first school in English.  I wanted to make sure he knew all he needed to know to enter the an American 2nd grade.  I found this great book, Home Learning Year by Year, by Rebecca Rupp, scrolled down the list and, BAM, realized that my son had never used U.S. currency.  He couldn't tell a penny from a quarter; something he would definitely need to distinguish.  Hadn't even crossed my mind.  Oops.

Melinda Shelton/ cc-by-2.0

We really try to keep our kids up on U.S. culture and nowadays with the internet they are inundated anyway.  Things still fall through the cracks.  It's not like you see water fountains on Yahoo homepage, or silly bands for that matter.  Luckily, before we left for the States, the Ambassador's 10-year-old nephew was in town for a visit and swimming at the embassy pool.  He had brought bags of silly bands, something we had never even heard of, to pass out to the clueless American kids.  "These are really popular back home," he said, "You're going to want to wear some."  God bless you, boy.  You saved me from a potential I- looked-like-a-dork-and-it's-all-your-fault-Mom bashing.

I'm sure you've got stories about your kids' culture clash.  Come on, tell us.  They're funny.  We all need a chuckle.  Beam me up, Scottie.

Supplementing Local Education with US School Standards

When we decided to enroll our children in a local preschool, I made the commitment to keep them up to date on their  English language knowledge and other US school standards.  I came across an excellent book, Home Learning Year by Year, by Rebecca Rupp.

Rupp's book is full of valuable information for anyone teaching their child at home or simply supplementing their children's school education.   The book presents a "structured plan to ensure that your children will learn what they need to know when they need to know it, from preschool through high school."  It includes websites for US state educational standards, lesson plans, and prepared home school curriculums and programs.  She also includes a list of age-appropriate books to accompany any learning experience.  The book is organized in a clear easy to read fashion, organized grade by grade.  

Before each school year, I read through the appropriate chapter making a mental checklist of what my children will need to be exposed to throughout the year.  At the end of the school year, I again read through the chapter and make sure my children learned the material.   More often than not, the materials have been integrated unconsciously in our day-to-day lives or taught at the local school.  The extra effort involved is minimal.  The peace of mind that our children will be adequately educated is invaluable.  

Cheap International Calls: Staying Connected

Okay, now that you've finally settled into your new home, here's the next big challenge:  staying connected with the folks back home.  I don't know about you, but the biggest complaint I get from family and friends in my home country is, "You are so far away!"  Back when we first joined the Foreign Service, when the internet was in its toddler years, international calls by landline were both intimidating and expensive.  Cheap international calls was a misnomer.  Facebook wasn't even around.  Email was the sure-fire way to communicate internationally, but my parents, at the time, were far from technologically capable- me too for that matter!  Boy, have we come a long way!  Nowadays, you can make cheap international calls through your computer, cell/smart phone, or landline, and free international calls on  your computer if you don't mind video conferencing.

Oldies, but Goodies

The two oldest and maybe easiest ways to make cheap international calls are through Skype and Vonage.  They are old-school and even though they are cheap compared to traditional ways to call internationally, they are the most expensive compared to the new competition out there.  Believe or not, this is the first country that we have used the computer for cheap international calls.  When I say we are technologically impaired, I mean it!  We had used Skype video conferencing, but then you had to make sure that the people at home had Skype and could navigate through the conferencing, not always a sure thing.  Plus, sometimes I just want to be heard and not seen!

Skype: cheaper, but computer-tied
So, before we came to Belgrade, I set up a Skype phone call account for these cheap international calls.  Through Skype, you get to choose a permanent phone number from where you want to call.  For example, if you want to call the U.S. you get a U.S. phone number.  Therefore, it's a "national" call.  Then, through your computer, you can call anywhere you want with the charges being for a national or local call.  I used Skype because I knew Skype.  New technological stuff makes me break into a cold sweat (Yes, blogging is forcing me to face my fears).  Skype was cheaper than Vonage.  I'm a sucker for bargains.  Also, you don't need anything other than a computer and internet access for your cheap international calls, no extra "box" or new phone.  You can call right away, the same day, the same hour as set-up even.

The only problem is that with Skype cheap international calls you are tied to your computer, like the old-time corded landline.  You can't walk around.  Albeit, you can check your email, but you can't answer the doorbell.  You sometimes get a lag time during conversation and sometimes an alien enters the body of your loved one and speaks for them.  On the other hand, my folks get a U.S. number to call me from their landline or cell phone.  No country code and foreign operator chatting to you in a language you don't understand.  Oh!  Another cool thing about Skype is that you can use it anywhere you have internet.  Say you are on vacation in Finland and your mom wants to call you.  Ring, ring!  There you have them, cheap international calls made easy.

Vonage: clearer, but boxed-in
Some of my friends use Vonage, the grandmother of cheap international phone calls.  I've never used Vonage; I've only been on the receiving end.  The thing I can say about the calls is that they are nice and clear.  I've never noticed a lag time or the alien invasion.  The thing about Vonage is that you need a Vonage Box; they send it to you in the mail.  This could be a problem if you don't have APO or Diplomatic Pouch or if you want to make a phone call right NOW.  Also, the phone plans are more expensive.  You pay for the alien-blocker and the ability to water your grass while you're on the phone.  Unless you take your box and computer with you on vacation, though, you're stuck at home and the, what, 500 ft circumference surrounding your phone.  So, here you have cheap international calls that sound like you're around the corner even if you're at home in Moscow in a bubble bath.

Newbies: cheap, but maybe complicated
Nowadays, there are tons of competitors to our old friends Skype and Vonage.  Rebtel and Evaphone came up on my Google search for cheap international calls.  They seem a bit more complicated to me, the technophobe (which means they probably aren't complicated for people other than my mom and I).  It seems like the person on the other end of your phone line has to sign up to the program too (which isn't the case with Skype and Vonage), but I'm not sure.  Also, you have to assign your contacts a new number and save that number with their name, and extra step that I'm sure I'd screw up.  They are considerably cheaper, though, so the Cheapo in me is viciously poking the Technophobe.  MoneySavingExpert.com outlines a ton of these programs for cheap international calls.  The Expert gives the pros and cons of several programs, including the quality of the call and the price.   You might want to refer to him, if you like to check out your line of options.

If you've found a program you like, please comment below and share your wisdom with the rest of us.

Now, call your mother.

But, wait, don't forget the time difference.  If only they could invent something to circumnavigate that.  H.G. Wells, we need you now.

A Tunisian Vacation: Love, Hate and Terrorism

Over Labor Day weekend, my husband and I belatedly celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary by going to an exotic beach resort.  We lay in the sun, sipped cool drinks, wandered around a fortress and marketplace, and enjoyed being together, alone.  We returned from Tunisia to Belgrade 2 weeks ago from today.  Yes.  Tunisia.

Last Saturday morning, my husband motioned me over to the computer.  There it was, the US embassy and American Cooperative School, surrounded by dry, tan earth, and covered by a huge, gunmetal grey plume of smoke.

We were there.  Two weeks ago.  It's a weird feeling, this particular fear gnawing inside my stomach.  Something I can't quite put my finger on, that we were toying with possible danger.  I guess, though, anywhere you go you toy with danger.  That's what we tell ourselves in this crazy life we live.  We pull stats about murders in Chicago, DC and New York City and compare them with the places we live, saying, "People live normal lives there, so can we here."  That's what we said when we lived in Guatemala City, a critical crime post.  Home invasions were common there.  I saw my first dead bodies on the street there.  My husband watched a man rip gold hoop earrings out of a woman's ears.  I lived behind 12ft walls with razor wire on top.  We were mugged at gun point with our three-year-old son.  Luckily, it was only for my husband's cell phone which he readily gave.  I know danger.

This feeling I have, though, is different.  I could take measures in Guate, reduce my risk.  I could drive in the prescribed neighborhoods, with my windows up and not drive at night.  I could not wear my jewelry outside.  I had my security system.  I had my pit bull and chow chow (the Guatemalan security guards in my neighborhood called them my "entourage").  People did distrust me there, hated me even.  They saw that I was privileged, white, and American.  I couldn't blend (uh, 5'7" with light brown hair), but I could find ways to help people and help change their minds and their lives.   I worked in the city dump, helping to educate the children there, helping them to realize the value of their lives, and life in general.  I helped change some minds.  I was afraid there, but thought that I had a chance to be heard, to change things little by little.  I had some control.  This fear I'm feeling now is different.

It's the same fear I felt on September 11.  That by no direct doing of my own, I was responsible, a representative of my country, a target for hate.  The blanket covers all Americans, old and young.  I am American and a woman.  I can't change that.  Well, I guess I could, but I won't.   My conversation with many Muslim leaders would stop before it even started.   I feel as if it's totally out of my control.  I don't know quite what to do to change this hate.  What can I do?  What can an American woman do?

It's the hate that's driving all this.  I'm not sure any kind of "War on Terror," has a chance against hate.  I tend to agree with Marvin Gaye, "Only love can conquer hate,"  Yes, I know it's sappy, and I was hoping the quote's origin extended well before the 20th century, but it didn't.  I googled it (so, it must be true).  It all started with Marvin.

But,

There's always a "but" (Why am I always reminded of Beavis and Butthead when I write that?  Ah, the  wisdom of my generation).

But,
when it comes to giving love and forgiveness to people who hate me and have killed innocent people, I'm with Michael Stipe, in the song Final Straw, "And I offer love with one condition/ with conviction, tell me why, . . . look me in the eye, tell me why"  I can't without conditions.  And conditions won't work.  I won't ever get a satisfactory answer.  Following Marvin's edict is easier sung than done.  So, again, what do I do?  What do we do?  Does someone have the answer out there?

Maybe, "Love will find a way."

Okay, enough song references. Sorry, I couldn't resist.   I don't mean to make light of the situation.  Seriously,  what can we do?

Take a Moment: Sorrow in Egypt and Libya

Sending out support and love to our friends in Cairo and Behghazi, sincere condolences to those who lost a loved one, 

and gratitude for their service to the U.S.A.  

Please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers.

9/11: Where Were You? Where Are You?

Finishing up my morning shower before heading to work at our first post at the US consulate in Hermosillo, Mexico, I heard the phone ring.  "Good grief.  Who's calling in sick today?"  I asked myself.  By the time I had slipped and slid across the tile floor, passing the other bathroom where I could still hear my husband's shower roaring, the caller had finished the message.  I pushed play on the machine (remember message machines?).  Ryan's father's voice filled the kitchen. "It's a sad day in America,"  his voice broke, "Turn on the television.  Two planes just crashed into the World Trade Center.  We just wanted to make sure you were okay.  Please call."  I looked up and locked eyes with my husband who had just walked into the kitchen wrapped in a towel.  I handed Ryan the phone and picked up the remote.  There it was, the NYC skyline billowing smoke.

The day was to continue as usual.  The consulates and embassies around the world would be open.  It was a demonstration to whoever had done this, that they could not, would not bring us down.  It was a show of strength, by God.  Business as usual.

But, there was nothing usual about it.

I will never forget facing hundreds of Mexican visa applicants.  The majority had ridden all night in a bus for their appointment so they had no idea what had happened to us.  Most had spent almost a month's salary on an interview for their family to get the chance to visit the US, a country someone so intensely wanted to destroy.  It was better when they didn't know what had happened, when nothing was said, when I could attend to business and focus my mind on the person speaking to me.  Those who did know, approached the window quietly, eyes downcast, "Lo siento mucho, Señora," they said, their eyes filling with tears.  I walked away from the window several times that morning trying to collect myself.  My mind listing friends who lived in NYC and DC, my senses heighten to danger, my heart exploding into pieces.

When we got home that afternoon our doorbell started ringing.  Our Mexican neighbors, people we had met only 2 months ago, came to our door, tears streaming down their faces, arms opened wide to hold us. For weeks following that day, visa applicants came to my window with the same tears.

Today, living in Belgrade, Serbia, I am surrounded by people who know tragedy well.  Their bombed buildings are still standing.  And yet, today, people here are going to the Red Cross to donate blood and hundreds of kilos of clothing for people in need to commemorate the lives of those who died on September 11, 2001.   Their partner, the US Embassy, is shuttling employees and their families to do the same.  I can't donate blood, so yesterday, I filled a van with clothes donated from American families for Serbian families in need.  Today, at the International Women's Club of Belgrade, I made a new Serbian friend and closed my eyes and prayed during a moment of silence.

What always impressed me most about my time in Mexico was a comment by one of our neighbors.  He said, "I never knew Americans could be so nice until I met you."  Granted, we like to think of ourselves as a nice people, but we are nothing special.  We're just regular folks.  But when we opened our front door on September 11, 2001 to our Mexican neighbors who held us and cried with us, we opened our hearts as well.

I guess, in a way, we were "fortunate" this happened to us on our first tour overseas.  We left Mexico, determined to meet and know people of foreign countries.  We want people to know that most Americans are nice.

Reminder: Begin Halloween Internet Shopping, uh, Now

I know.  Christmas in July.  Halloween in September.  But, hey, unfortunately there is no Halloween Santa who can whisk stuff to us overnight (I just had an image of St. Nick in orange.  Weird).  Don't forget costumes, room parent craft (I almost spelled "crap." Freudian slip?  I think not), and bags of packaged candy (or in the commissary, if you have one).  If you have access to APO shipping, score.  If not, check out getting a US address or ask Mom to send stuff to you.  Don't forget about Upromise and stores that don't ship APO!

The Black List: List of Stores that are Anti-APO

Here is my short list of stores that DON'T ship APO or that have ridiculous prohibitions shipping certain items.  Those that don't are listed in red, those that don't ship particular items (even though not barred by APO) are in blue, and those stores with preposterous shipping charges are in yellow.  The list will be updated when I hear about more bad guys.

Amazon groceries
Amazon Mom subscribe and save
Babiesrus.com
Boscovs
Buy.com
Diapers.com
Danskin
Kohls (can't ship ties with standard shipping?!)
Sephora
Target
Toysrus.com

Moving Checklist: Unpacking. SCRATCH IT OFF!

The truck is coming.  Hooray!  You are finally going to get your STUFF!  Crap.  Now the unpacking begins.  Yuck.  
Look on the bright side:  You get to scratch off the last thing on your moving checklist.

Pre-unpacking advice:

1.  Have a simple dinner planned ahead of time.  If they deliver pizza or any kind of food in your new town, great.  Otherwise, keep it simple.  Sandwiches.  Something you can eat without dishes or a table for that matter.  Remember, it's going to be covered with your unpacking stuff.

2.  Plan to buy the movers lunch.  Pizza, again, seems to be a universal go-to.  Any kind of fast local food, though, will do.  Oh, and don't forget a couple liters of coke.  It's a treat.  Lunch provided oozes goodwill.  After hauling in your 141 boxes and your sofa bed upstairs into the playroom, you need all of the goodwill you can get for the long afternoon.

Unpacking advice:

1.  Let the movers unpack (if you are lucky enough to have them).  If you aren't comfortable with that, then at least let them unpack the kitchen and dining room boxes.  These boxes have the most packing material and are the most tedious to unpack.  Also, plates and platters stack easily in the room where they are supposed to go.  After unpacking, the movers will take the empty boxes with them and the extra packing material and you won't have to deal with that clutter.  Also, seeing the items in your face forces you to deal with them and boxes won't remain in the garage for months. TWO moving checklist scratch off bonuses!

2.  Let the kids "unpack."  Find the boxes with the toys.  Move it to the designated play area.  Let the kids unpack.  It's Christmas in September!  They will be out of your way for hours, rediscovering their "new" toys.  You can deal with the mess later.

3.  Use unpacking to declutter!  Score!  Two in one!  I, of course, always plan to declutter BEFORE we pack.  But, (there's always a "but"), in the past packing lined up with newborns, sleep deprivation, and general baby chaos.  Now pack-out generally corresponds with the end of the school year, goodbye parties and that general chaos.  Whatever the reason, there is always chaos.
Soooo, out of your now empty dining room and kitchen boxes, choose two and write, "DONATE" on one box and "TRASH" on the other.  As you are unpacking your stuff, move the consequences of chaos into one of these two boxes and then the stuff you really do want, put away.  When the boxes get full, move them to either the dumpster or your car (if you have one- if not, arrange to move them on tomorrow).  In the last place we lived, we just set the boxes outside our front gate.  Gone.  Here, we can drive over to a needy neighborhood and the folks help us unload the car.  Find out what the easiest way to help folks out in your new place and do it!  Yeah!  Unpack, feel good, and declutter.  It doesn't get much better than that!

4.  Plan a BIG party a week from now!  I now this sounds insane.  I wouldn't suggest it unless I'd been forced to do it and saw, by goodness, how wonderful it turned out to be.  It forced us to unpack all of the living space and actually hang the pictures on the walls.  It made the house feel like ours right away.  Granted you had to wade through the bedrooms, but seeing the downstairs like it was supposed to be, motivated all of us to finish the rest of the house, picture hanging and all in two to three weeks.  Now that's something to cheer about!

5.  Burn your moving checklist.  Doesn't that feel good?  Sit back and enjoy the warmth.  You are home.